The one where I decide who I am going to follow

 A quick follow on to Tuesday's blog allllll about that dumb picture with Rachel Hollis and the dumb tears.

You know, that experience left a mark.

Yes, one of total embarrassment... but it also gave me much to consider in terms of who truly deserves my time and attention. It's something I've been pondering since then, and acting on - gradually more and more.

Toby Mac says "some things break our heart, but fix our vision". Don't you love that?

Take Trent Shelton. He was also in the green room at that event. When Rachel Hollis left, we started to talk with him and his friend/colleague Brenda. We took photos. I posted them on social media later, he commented and, you know, I felt "seen". It's funny my post at that time said: "This year, I really decided I only wanted to learn from people I felt a real connection with - people that were vulnerable and relatable. So I was glad to find Trent this late in the year :) He’s a good man doing great things in the world"

Sure, what we say matters, but if our actions don't match what we say, at best there will be a disconnection and at worst (and more likely) people will start to gravitate away from us - very deliberately.

There's some wildly popular people that I just don't resonate with. Call it what you will, an energy mis-match... an "off" feeling. Roddy's first business partner in the USA, I detested. All he had to do was open his mouth and I wanted to run from the room! I could not for the life of me understand how people flocked around him and passed over tens of thousands of dollars to him. I suspect there was a fair level of mind games and NLP misused...

And while I broke my cardinal rule of "don't bitch or gossip about anyone I've had a private audience with" with my Rachel Hollis story, I won't do that here. I have a hit list of those that I think are sketchy and slimy that I'll keep to myself! For now :) 

Guru? Ugh.

The whole "guru" status completely alarms me. Not only does it really rub against any thoughts I have on idolatry (worshipping man), I keep asking... why? 

The only thing I can up with is we are so devoid of confidence and so unsure about doing it ourselves that we latch onto these "ideals" and follow these people that are somehow "up there" and we are convinced we are "down here" and if only IF ONLY we could be like them! Oh my!

I get the attraction of seeing the kind of lifestyle we want to live, and if we just emulate that person, we may just be able to attain the same level of success. I am not saying we don't benefit from mentors. I just don't think we see the true cost of that life, and that actually we may have much more than we think and in fact much more than the person who's life we claim to be coveting.

I think there's something very telling in how John Maxwell addresses his audience. He doesn't refer to fans or followers, he doesn't call himself a thought leader or a guru or an influencer. He doesn't surround himself with sycophants and his staff retention is something to really look up to. He says "my name is John, and I'm your friend". I believe him. He is exactly the same on stage and off. I've never encountered a human being that values people so much. He's in his mid-seventies and he gives more to people than even I have energy for.

I believe he is worthy of my time and attention. So I'll follow him. 

My friend Susan Nicholson (the "other Susan" :) ) posted today about loyalty and I commented that our loyalties are worthy of audit. I do think we become habitual about the people we follow, what we consume, and the programs we buy. I'm loyal, but not blindly so.

Follow, Distance, or Ditch

There are a few things I look to to decide whether to follow, distance or ditch:

1. My intuition, energy, general feelings

I look to how my subconscious reacts. They are subtle cues. One "guru", every time he started a sales pitch I would excuse myself to the bathroom. I was always ill (or thought I was). Actually, at my subconscious level I was not okay with it, and it was screaming at me to get away. I ignored it! Although we love to believe we are thinking beings that happen to have feelings, as Brene Brown says, we are actually feeling beings that happen to have thoughts. Feeling icky? Feeling hesitant? Not sure why? You don't need to be moved through those feelings by a "guru", you can decide whether it's in your best interests to do so. If the ultimate goal of someone trying to move you through your feelings is for you to buy something or to build trust to the point you will coerced into buying something, I'm not sure any of us really need that.

2. Their ultimate values

Each one of us has a personal set of values and we must look to ourselves for answers on this. There are people buy from that I believe are the best of the best at what they do and so some other areas might not be so important (so I'd employ distance here; buy a program and self-study, a community aspect is unimportant) . But if it's someone speaking into my mindset, my beliefs, my struggles - I have to see a connection there. I'm not talking about a moral twin... more of an aspirational personality - the first qualities that come to mind are honesty, lack of ego, and vulnerability. I want to see the kind of leader I want to be. I prefer a less slick operation, someone a little 'unpolished', and a focus of their team on a more personal connection. I'm definitely not saying I only follow people like <insert religion><insert race><insert sex><insert political beliefs><insert age> etc etc! Quite the opposite. I find real joy in learning from unique individuals with unique perspectives. 

3. The Cocktail Test

(I called it 'The Cocktail Test' when I was drinking. Any ideas what to call it now?) It's important to me that even if it's beyond the realms of possibility we will ever be friends, the person I am following seems personable. Seems like someone I could connect with in real life. That we could grab a cocktail and laugh together. If someone makes me cringe inwardly (I pay attention to this), I believe that creates a block and whatever it is that they are teaching won't really land - not properly anyway.

Not everything is your fault :) 

I'll tell you something, in my struggles I thought all my hesitancies... all my skepticism, was about ME. I didn't consider, until I was in therapy, that perhaps it wasn't all about me. My therapist said, "for the first time Susan you are listening to that wise voice you have"! I've made decisions that at the time were even ludicrous to me! I berated myself for not having "IT" (whatever the heck that elusive "it" is), for not "getting" what others seemed to get - I felt a shame and a true sense of letting others down.

Now I see that I was actually pruning. Cutting back the dead to make way for new growth. I deleted my Facebook profile so I could fill a new one with voices I want in my life. I made my Instagram private again and unfollowed the egos and the greedy and the self-absorbed. I deleted Twitter. I buy books based on my needs, not on what everyone else is consuming and re-read more books than ever. I don't feel compelled to buy every new program from one person out of sense of misguided loyalty. I listen carefully to sales pitches and language. I'm now asking "do I actually need this?" and "does this spark joy?" (à la Marie Kondo). I've dusted off some programs I bought a while ago from teachers I still love (hello Jeff Walker, Ray Edwards, Donald Miller... it's been a while) - they stand the test of time, and they still feel "right" to me.

The fact is you can learn anything FOR FREE off the internet. It's PEOPLE and CONNECTION that we are buying. It's as much a heart thing, as it is a head thing.

I absolutely refuse to spend the next decade like I did the last. Almost in a... zombie haze, mindlessly doing what I always did and wondering why I felt like my soul was slowly being chipped away.

Oh wait! Too dramatic?

It might seem so. All I know is, "one of the most expensive things you'll ever do is pay attention to the wrong people" (says Tobias Harris)

It costs too much - financially yes - but more importantly personally, emotionally and spiritually. And that thought scares me, enough to do something about it.

How about you? Who are you following? I'd love to hear about voices that mean a lot to you and why.