The one where I lose my sh*t in front of Rachel Hollis

Today, I'm regretting what I posted on Facebook yesterday. The God-awful picture above came up in my photo memories and I thought it was time. It's ok to post it. I can laugh at it now. Well, that seems silly now.

I was so mortified when I first saw this picture (let alone actually doing this IRL in front of real breathing people) I swore it would never see the light of day. And yet, here we are!

I feel bad for everyone that commented there must be an amazing, uplifting story behind it. Sorry, no. It's another one of my usual awkward, cringe-face-inducing tales.

So, where were we? 2018. 

Eliza (then 11 years old) had had major back surgery 2 months prior, and honestly? I was still reeling in November. The sucker-punch combo of huge life events, coupled by new country and little by way of support network... I was feeling really, really low. 

I've been honest throughout my sporadic blogging that I've struggled my whole life with depression, and recently gave up drinking to try and facilitate a better mindset and healthier body (259 days today! Woo!) and as I recall, this was during one of my attempts to stop drinking. No one really explains that while quitting booze is so good for clarity and increased energy etc etc it means you literally have NO WHERE TO HIDE and you're suddenly 24/7 alone with your thoughts and having to work through ALL THE HARD STUFF.

And I was a few weeks away from my 40th birthday. I didn't know what was going on at the time, but I think I can now safely call it a full on midlife crisis. I felt unanchored, unsettled, no roots, no purpose - I truly felt hopeless. Everything felt so hard, like I was trying to run through dark, sticky treacle whilst wailing "what is the point of it aaaaaaaalllllllllllll?"

So that's where I was in November 2018. Traumatized by Eliza's surgery, depressed and in crisis. I was feeling fragile... vulnerable.

But SO excited to meet Rachel y'all.

I'd been religiously watching Rach and Dave's morning show on Instagram and I was legit in full-on fan-girl mode. Here's the CEO of a freaking empire, with cute clothes, cuter kids, handsome husband with a perfect marriage... the antithesis of me, I guess. In all the ways I devalued myself (lack of purpose, lack of focus, no success, no confidence, no independence) I saw bucketloads in her.

When we got to the event, Mark Cole invited us into the green room and I'm not kidding, I was hopping... practically peeing my pants at the idea of meeting her. I'm rarely, if ever, like this. I've met a few "famous" names in this industry now and I kind of pride myself in not being too fawning or annoying. 

But Roddy and I sat at the lunch table in the green room, picking at our chicken sandwiches (with Trent Shelton) and R.A.C.H.E.L.F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G.H.O.L.L.I.S. walks in. I'm so excited, my knees are jumping and Roddy knows I'm dying to talk to her but we just sit there (you know, play it cool, wait for her to say hi). She doesn't really make eye contact but knows Trent and they are talking about their keynotes and we just... sit there. She grabs some food, doesn't make any eye contact, and we just... sit there.

As she looks to be leaving, Roddy glances at me and my face must be silently screaming "Nooooooooooooooooo" because as she's walking away, Roddy says (bless his dang heart) "oh Rachel? [pause] could we possibly get a photo with you?" 

And guys... she says "No".

She says something about needing to get changed and maybe she'll catch us later (still avoiding eye contact) and disappears.

(Even typing this I'm holding my breath and giggling because at the time, I was properly devastated, aw poor lil me)

Ahhhhhhhhhh! So there I am, as I said, traumatized by Eliza's surgery, depressed and in crisis, feeling fragile and it was just too much guys. 

I started to feel a teeny bit sad, and then we went out to watch the sessions. I actually sat in front of Rachel and I spoke to her a little and got a pic with her and John (sans crying) but the real interaction, the first impression... it felt off... it just hurt my feelings I guess.

Now, I know even with Roddy (who in comparison to Rachel Hollis is like a Z-list celebrity), people often come up to him when he's eating or about to go on stage or he has spinach in his teeth and want something from him - some time, a chat, a photo. And I'm sure at her level, it's insanity. Part of me didn't want to share this story not only because I'm looking a leeee-tle crazy but because I don't want to be a bitch. I want to support and elevate a woman and a mother that's out there doing her thing. But it is what it is, it wasn't great.

So, we are in the audience and listening now to John and he starts talking about the book Put Your Dreams To The Test and the realization when it was published that it didn't resonate with some because they didn't have a dream... they didn't even know how to dream. I'll paraphrase him here but he went on to say that there were those that didn't want to be leaders or weren't equipped to be leaders, that the dreaming often resides with another, and an army of followers to help make it a reality.

Well, me with my midlife crisis and the already quivering lip from "meeting" Rachel, felt totally deflated by it. My head was just running with the fact I have no direction, no passion, no ability. I was never a leader. I was here to help someone else build their thing, and in that moment the idea of that totally sucked. A kind of mini existential crisis right there in the chair.

My low went a little lower.... (yikes face)

After the event, Mark Cole (again) very kindly invited us to watch Rachel and John recording podcasts. So we went to a side room. Again, no eye contact or hello or anything (she's singularly focused and of course delighted to be in the room with John - I mean, she's not dead inside) and my quivering lip stays in place.

You know when you don't cry but anything at any moment could push you over the edge? I was right there. LOL.

As we were watching them wrap up the recording, I texted Mark across the room (had to be quiet, no talking obvs) and thanked him for inviting us and letting us B-T-S and that I had been feeling low for a while and how wonderful it was to be with everyone (which it truly was!) and I was typing and feeling more and more teary.

And that's when Mark stood up with a huge grin and said (knowing what a RH fan I was), "let's get a picture of the 4 of them!!!!"

Honestly, walking up to take the photo, I could feel it ALL surfacing and I bloody knew I was going to start crying. And Roddy was waving me over saying "it's ok" and laughing. But the moment of that shot was just as I started to let it rip. Proper ugly crying. I think Rachel said "Girl, just let it out" as the photo was taken (with no eye contact still) and they went off to dinner. I mean seriously, look at John's face. God love him. He's probably thinking "what in the earth?"

Ugh, I'm cringing - even today.

I was a HOT MESS. I cried the whole way home. Heather (who was watching the kiddos for us) heard the whole story in real time and still dislikes Rachel Hollis to this day. She practically spits on the ground at the mention of her name. Hahaha.

I feel less impassioned about it now. I was a mess and emotionally vulnerable and it was just one thing after another. I'm sure OTT fan-girls get pretty tiresome.

So that's it, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it... despite coming out of looking seven shades of crazy. You know, I was never the cool kid. And I was never in with the cool kids. And some things never change!

Is it time to delete it and move on? You choose!

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