My Favorite Selfie

I think I might whoop myself upside my own head if I start another blog with "wow, it's been a minute"... but...

Wow, it's been a minute.

Some things I just feel, deep inside, I need to write about. Something happens, I take the time to process it... and then every now and again I am compelled to write about certain things. Maybe part of it is to try and hold a moment, or a thought - to keep a memory alive... I don't know. But when the feeling comes, so does the laptop.

So here goes, this might be long... I don't know what I want to say... but I know there's something in here for me, and hopefully for you. I'm just gonna let it all out.

I saw my Mum when we were back in Europe. I wasn't sure I'd be able to see her (I'm estranged from my family and my mum was diagnosed with early onset dementia in 2020 - read here if you have no idea what I'm talking about https://www.soozeybee.com/blog/goodbye-little-brother and https://www.soozeybee.com/blog/the-one-where-my-mum-forgets-who-i-am) and right at the last moment, I was able to connect with my younger sister Evonne and arrange to see my parents. My mum is in her late sixties, and Dad is 76 or so I think (Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays so their DOB's aren't fixed in my mind, which is a nightmare when you are filling out forms and such - also a bit weird to not know how old your ma and pa are) and they recently downsized, I didn't even know their address. I was relying on my siblings to raise the drawbridge as it were, and allow me to see mum and dad.

Evonne prepared me. She told me Mum would not remember me. She told me what to do when Mum remembered that her Mammy had died - my grandmother died in 1986/7 ("console her like you would a child, rub her back, she'll come out of it fairly quick"). When I asked what did mum need, she said "I know it sounds very odd but she might like a teddy". I knew that she didn't remember she had kids. That she liked simple puzzles and coloring books. As we exchanged messages the night before our visit, I was unconsolable. I wanted to see her more than anything, but I also didn't want to see her at all. I last saw her in 2019, and she was Mum. If I went tomorrow, she'd be something else... and Mum as I know her would be gone, officially. Sucks.

I knew I'd never forgive myself if I didn't go, so off we went.

Roddy and I drove to North London, there was little traffic (unheard of on the M25) and we pulled up outside an unfamiliar, small townhouse. My mum was at the window and when Roddy got out of the car, she waved at the window excitedly, like a little kid. I sat in the passenger seat, and my eyes immediately started filling with tears and I was just thinking "I cannot do this... I can't see my mum like this" but like with all hard things, you take a deep breath, pray for strength, and get on with it. We drove all this way. We'll be back in America in a few days. I might not get to see her for another year. I might not get to see her again... ever.

Mum cried about her mother almost immediately... "Did you know my Mammy died?" she asked me, completely distressed. I was ready, I stroked her back and told her I was so sorry and shushed her, told her it would be okay.

As Evonne had advised, I came armed with a soft toy. A small cat, wearing a pretty dress. It reminded me of one she bought Eliza years before, a bunny called Florrie that Eliza still adores. I had ordered a robotic dog specially developed for dementia patients from Amazon, but it hadn't come in time, and I felt foolish picking out this toy cat for my mother. My mum. Total badass, 6 kids, always holding it down for the family, breadwinner, woman exceptionale - and I'm in the shop trying to find stuffed toys and puzzles 6 pieces or less???? What the hell is going on??? I told Roddy that night I legit was hating on this poor old lady in the store... she must have been about 85yo, picking out a birthday card for her grandchild, and MY MUM had dementia? How is that even fair? I wanted to give that little old lady a piece of my mind.

Anyway, I digress. She frickin LOVED the cat. Her eyes lit up when I popped her feline ears out of the bag, and she kept smoothing her little cat dress down, like it was her baby. When I said it was for her, she looked DELIGHTED with a capital D.

When she picked up a photo of us all, after gently trying to remind her I was her kid, she pointed to me in the photo and said crossly "she was going to come, but she never came". When I gently pointed out it was me, she just smiled sweetly and moved on.

We took a walk while Roddy and my Dad did some shopping. She gazed at flowers and birds in delight. She's physically in tip top shape, slim and strong after decades of nursing and raising 6 children. She walked easily and laughed a lot. She stopped to pet cats and looked both ways at the road like a kid that had just been taught how to.

When we got back, she said to me in conspiratorial tones "you know, I just finished school... everyone is telling me to take a break, but you know I think I should get out and find a job". I knew from previous conversations that as a young woman she'd finished top in the country in her nursing school back in Ireland so I praised her like I would my own kids... "Well, you did so well in your exams and worked so hard... maybe you should take a break". She smiled happily when I said that.

She was so thrilled to see us. It was like she knew us, but she just forgot where from. She didn't know my name. I think she was crushing on Roddy a little (when Evonne phoned her that night, she only mentioned Roddy - that he was a kind, kind man) - she kept looking at me in delight, telling me how well I looked. I couldn't stop hugging her, and rubbing her back and holding her hand.

The funny thing was, once we went inside the house I had this immense peace about me. The way my mum is - is the exact way Eliza is. I know Eliza loves me, and there's something there, but the connection is not deep, and I know her happiness isn't dependent on me per se. She just wants to be around people who love and cherish her. Her energy is infectious, and she feeds off the love of whoever is around her, whoever is familiar. I've honestly felt since we visited, that every experience I've had with Eliza made me ready for that time with my mum. Being unattached to an outcome you have no control over - I could never make Eliza "normal" and now I don't want to, and I can't make my Mum who she was before no matter how much I might want my mama back.

I've always said the experience of mothering Eliza taught me how to truly love unconditionally - and now I could live it out with my dear, sweet momma for a couple of hours. 

Since we came home, I am waiting for that peace to drop, and for me to feel the sadness and devastation of the moment, but it hasn't come. Maybe it will. But for now, my mum is unalterably changed. Our relationship is unalterably changed. But that sweetness, and innocence, and vulnerability - all the things I love about our Eliza? It's heartbreakingly who she is now, and I can't believe I'm saying this: but I'm good with that. 

💜

PS. More to write, but Eliza needs me. Soon x

PPS. It's ready - this is part two... https://www.soozeybee.com/blog/my-daddy)