Goodbye Little Brother

It's an incredibly special day tomorrow.  Tomorrow, Saturday 30th September, my little brother D, gets married.

I think I have all the usual feelings, D is in his early twenties (my parents after having 4 kids, had 2 bonus kids in their forties!) and I feel really proud.  I feel like, where on earth has the time gone? I feel excited for him, excited for his future with his beautiful bride.  D is a good person, he'll make a good husband. I'm a little nervous for him too - and emotional, my little bro got all grown up!

I have lots of other feelings too. When D invited me to his wedding just 30 days ago, I had LOTS of feelings.

Part of me decided that I wasn't going to share this story because it's very complicated and it's very emotive for me.  I also have been very conscious of anyone in my family ever coming across something that I have written that hurts them... so I have avoided it.

On reflection, it's something I do. I don't like conflict, and I would sometimes be happier to keep the peace than speak my truth.  Sometimes there is no peace to disrupt... I just feel that rather than making someone else uncomfortable (no matter my feelings) it's better to stay silent.

(I see now, that is problematic.)

I wasn't born, but I was raised a Jehovah's Witness.  To cut a very lengthy, very painful story short, as my first marriage dissolved I made some 'choices' (not all bright and shiny) and as I was not repentant - I was disfellowshipped (expelled) from the congregation.  That was back in 2004.  As the worst kind of sinner (rejecting the truth) and citing 1 Corinthians 5:11 ("not even eating with such a man") that spelled the end of life as I knew it.  The community I was part of, all of my friends (I had no "worldly" friends), my family: it all just stopped, came to an abrupt end.

Since having kids, I've seen my family sporadically. My mum more than others, family tragedies seem to bring us together, I see her perhaps twice a year, and my siblings not at all or occasionally.  It's tricky.  (Now, that's an understatement)

They have their firmly held beliefs and I try to respect that.  Often babe will say to me 'you spend an awful lot of time allowing for their beliefs... can they not do the same for you?' - it's one of the few things that seems to irritate him. If he feels they are taking advantage of me, I can tell he is biting his tongue... (it's the old 'I can talk smack about my mama, but you can't talk smack about my mama' that holds us back in situations like this I think!)

So on August 31, we were on a boat, taking Helen out who'd spent the last week looking after the kids while we worked. D's message came through... which I won't write word for word but said things like "I know you're in America now... I know Mum told you the exciting news I am getting married... I meant to ask earlier but you're more than welcome to come to the ceremony... unfortunately it would be just the ceremony... let me know what you think... sorry it's a bit late." It ended "Love you lots and lots, D"

Even typing this, I feel like crying. Remembering standing on the boat, trying to compose myself (blessing the Lord that I had sunglasses on)... I was so happy to be asked and yet, so offended. My own brother. How had it come to this? You know that moment where you want to dash off an angry response?  Luckily, I ignored that.  So I waited.  I had to wait until the next day, until really really late the next day :)

It was one of those moments where after consideration, once I had calmed down and the emotions had subsided a little, I would have messaged him back saying I was sorry I couldn't come and that I loved him and that I wished him well. I would write it, and tie it all in a bow so he wouldn't know how much I was hurting.

But this time, I couldn't.

I kept coming back to the thought that it is ok to make someone feel a little uncomfortable if they are hurting you.  That protecting everyone else is often not very good for you, and you're not responsible for making them feel good even if you feel like you should, despite feeling broken inside.  So I sent this (I will share mine word for word as they are my words to share):

Hey D, thanks very much for your note. I can't really explain how much it means to me that you sent it. There were a lot of tears yesterday.

First off, I am so happy for you D. You deserve a life filled with the best of everything. You've always been a wonderful human being and I know that hasn't changed.

I'm both thrilled and hurt at your message - and I felt it best to be honest as frankly, I am exhausted of wondering if I am doing and saying the right thing to keep you all happy. I feel like I have been open and loving, and at the same time respectful of your decision not to see me anymore. I also truly appreciate that you are in a very difficult position and me being any part of your life has all sorts of consequences and makes you feel torn.

All that being said, I am still your sister, and you ask me to your wedding just 30 days before it happens? Knowing I live in America and it's very unlikely I could get there now no matter how much I want to be there? And then if I somehow manage to pull that off I can only come to the ceremony?

I truly, truly TRULY do not want to make you feel bad but I wouldn't be being honest to you or myself if I didn't say that to you D.

I feel so hurt. And I know that's ultimately not your problem but it's been tiring crying over you all for 12+ years. I feel like I have lost you all, and I feel like you have now asked me to come to your wedding because you know I probably can't.

D - you are a super person. I hear that from mum a lot. L is so very lucky to have you. I am definitely going to be with you in spirit on your big day, but not in person. I dare say I shall cry, selfishly for all that I have lost, but much more than that I'll be so happy for you little brother.

Forgive me for saying what was on my heart, sometimes these things aren't easy to hear, and they aren't easy for me to say. I hope you know I love you. I think as you get older and have your own kids you might understand that family becomes everything and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you all, one by one.

S ❤️

I can't begin to express how GOOD it felt to say that.  Not in anger, not to injure - but to be real, and honest, and let him know how hurt I was.  It's something I don't often do.

2 things I learned or relearned...  The first that it is really ok to say what you feel when you feel hurt and the circumstances appear to make you the enemy rather than the victim.  I think people complicate this when they are looking to win or score or injure or hurt back.  But when you share in love, you can expect love back in return. You might not get it, but you may also be pleasantly surprised at the response.  The second was a reminder that love is verb.  'Love, love is a doing word' as the song goes. I do truly love my family and I know their actions are not borne out of hate, yet love still remains a verb.  I can accept that part is lacking between us and still love them regardless.

D sent back a really nice note, saying he was open to what I said and that he genuinely felt terrible for leaving it so late. That he loved me (again).  I had a huge rush of love and empathy for him, it felt good for my heart that we'd had that exchange.  Ultimately it didn't change much, but at the same time it changed everything. 

I sent him a message today wishing him a calm mind, a steady heart, a joyful spirit and a whole lot of love - not just for his wedding day tomorrow but for his entire marriage. I felt happy/sad as I sent it.  I feel an ache now, knowing the joy I will miss tomorrow seeing my little brother get married.

I loved the picture I chose for this blog with this young boy.  He looks like D did when he was younger, when life seemed so much more simple. He is walking away from me. It seemed poignant.