It's Much Easier To Stay Silent

So, I'm back. Lots going on 😂 I've read every comment on Facebook (321 and counting) in response to my blog from the other day, "Why I'll Never Read Think & Grow Rich Again." And every private message :) You know that joke Roddy makes about giving positive feedback at the Maxwell training event? He says there's always one person who just can't do it "even now, there will still be some of you who will say 'can I give you some constructive feedback?'" So, yeah, I get many private messages trying to convince me that my opinion is wrong or off. All said in love, of course. [Am I being sarcastic? Your guess 😂]

That's the thing; it's just my opinion—little ol' me. I'll tell you another secret... I wouldn't say I like Tony Robbins. Or Grant Cardone. Or Rachel Hollis (for long-time readers, you already know that one, lol). For various reasons... but I'm not looking for people to 'stand with me on that, or the Think & Grow Rich thoughts; I'm looking for my people, I guess... the people that it just didn't sit well with for whatever reason, so you're not sitting there thinking you're a freak or you just don't get it *sad face* like I was!

Last night I cried; it was unfortunate. The part that wants to talk about my journey is seriously struggling against the well-ingrained part of me that is a people pleaser. 

You all know I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, and it wasn't the greatest experience for me. (Now, I feel like I have to put a caveat in here and say, "yes, I know this lifestyle works for some people" and "I respect everyone's differing beliefs") It's a very legalistic religion, focused on performance and ticking all the boxes (yes, IMHO). I escaped that life back in 2003 ish, and I have been actively trying to stand on my own two feet ever since.

I came away with my head full of someone else's thoughts and a heart full of someone else's guilt. I had to get into therapy immediately to deal with the fall out of my entire world collapsing around me. The world was always a scary place, but now I had nothing certain to hold onto.

Ever since I've been trying to find things to hold on to. I held onto Roddy a little too tight at the beginning of our relationship, as I was insecure and lost. I've held onto alcohol to stop me from spiraling out of control. I've held onto my kids to avoid looking at myself.

So, I am bringing all of that to my writing. I am still trying to find my place, and honestly? Find my voice.

I've never been shy about stating that John Maxwell changed our lives, but he revolutionized mine. It was just the idea that I might have a home, somewhere with like-minded people, a sense of community. But also people I could learn from and grow with. He introduced me to "his" God and the idea of unconditional love and being loved just as we are. These were foreign concepts to me.

I was so shy when I first came to a Maxwell event. I used to hide behind the Mentorship banner (true story) and always felt like I didn't belong there because... I didn't. It's taken me years to have the courage to introduce myself to people (still really hard for me) and to write about some of my experiences. To not just be 'Roddy's wife". To feel like it was 'my thing' too. To show up as me.

The whole writing thing is complicated. I want to be honest. And I've always been connected to these 'thought leaders' in some way just because my husband works with them (Proctor, Martinelli, Vujicic, Brown, et al.). It would be naive to think I can write and say everything that pops into my head. In the last couple of years, I've only felt I got the green light to be myself fully. Someone high up in the Maxwell Leadership organization was like, "Susan, you just be you! Don't worry about that! Just show your heart, all of it," and although I didn't need permission, I kind of wanted approval. I mean, is it OK that your speaking mentor's wife has a mental breakdown, for example? I don't know. But I know, I wanted to talk about it openly.

My disconnect with the personal development industry (and those that read the last post as a dislike of the industry... I mean, I love it. I am a convert) has always been its bright, shiny side. The curated photos, the perfect marriages - no mistakes, no mess, no overwhelm. So my disconnection was always about, well, um, disconnection. I always felt like it was this 'other' thing that 'other' people got - not people like me. But then, as I started to say a little something about my experiences, people (women mostly) would say 'me too.'

Isn't 'me too' just the most magic phrase? We all know psychologically what happens when we connect with another human like that. Our shame is muted. We feel seen. And physiologically, our breathing calms, and our nervous system recalibrates. We feel a connection. And connection is the lifeblood of true humanity.

That is all I'm after. 

I've been told I come off a little too angry or bitter. My immediate reaction was, "what? no, I'm not!!!" but maybe I am. And so what if I am? This is just what I'm experiencing. I try and share when I feel joyful too. When I feel loved and hopeful. When I feel depressed and lonely. What of it if I am bitter? Does my bitterness maybe trigger something in you? Why do my own emotions make you so uncomfortable? They are mine; I own them. I'm an emotional person - my superpower, and I acknowledge my downfall at times. I'm fully aware I have much, much work to do.

I told Roddy last night, "I am sorry if this sounds dramatic [ummm, I start many sentences with my poor husband this way], but I am so tired of men telling me what to do." Is this sentence the best example of my fully actualized self? No. But it was what I was feeling. 

I bring baggage to this blog. I bring it all—my hopes and dreams and frustrations and disappointments. 

The fact is, it's way easier to stay silent. If I could play the role of Roddy's devoted wife, with shiny blow-dried hair and designer threads... I mean, I did try that (circa 2017), but it was soul-destroying trying to wear a perfect mask at all times. I mean, that's what this industry eats up - the guru and his trophy wife in their big fancy house they just ✨manifested✨ baby, with no belly rolls or conflict or anything that life is actually made of.

I just happen to dig sharing the ups and downs of this crazy thing called life.

The popular idea is to be sure to be fully healed before you share your story. Don't bleed on people who didn't cut you etc. etc. Again; this isn't for me. I struggle a lot with my body image, and I'm always looking for cheat ways to fast-track weight loss when I know I need to be more disciplined about what I eat and when I move my body. My biggest inspirations are women walking the journey right this minute. I don't follow the six-packed, tanned visions floating on social media. (OK, I follow some of them, but I swear it's just an exercise in self-hatred) I follow the ones with the mum tums that really don't have the quick fix; they are just plugging away doing their best - and very slightly, very incrementally, their bodies start to change. I want to be there for the journey. That's the best bit for me. That's true inspiration.

I would love to be the kind of person, selfless and all that that could say I'm writing because I love people. And I want to help them not feel alone. I do, and I do... and I'm doing it for selfish reasons too. To try and get down what confuses me. Or alarms me. Or hurts me. Typing it out makes me feel free... clicking post gives me that happy feeling.

I guess I'm writing, in a way, to learn how to love myself.

And I can't apologize for that. 

SG 💜