You've Not Got A Friend In Me

I am not a great friend.

Perhaps I should rephrase that... if I am being totally honest, I am a terrible friend.

I got called out this week by my good friend T, for not keeping in contact or generally being a nice human to her since we moved to the States.

I am sure that any one person that is close to me reading this, will be nodding their head in agreement.  'Susan is the WORST at replying to texts!' Too many communications sent to me start with 'Hello stranger'. Some girls from home say 'Susan is in her cave again' where you can pretty much guarantee I am off the grid - I don't find it rude anymore if someone sends me the same text more than once, as a subtle nudge to respond.

The wonderful thing about having people in your life that love you, warts and all, they call you out when you are being not very nice.  The awful thing about having people in your life that love you, warts and all, they call you out when you are being not very nice :)

When I got her text, I felt pissed first of all.  I mean, really pissed.  'Doesn't she know how much I have on?  That Eliza is still home with me every day while I try and find her a school? That we just moved house again? That we are in the middle of another launch at work where I am running it pretty much on my own? That my home is in chaos, my head is in chaos, THAT I HAVEN'T SHOWERED FOR 3 DAYS?'

Next was blame. 'She knows what I'm like. This is what I do, I go off the grid! She's so needy. I can't deal with this right now.'

Then I felt hurt and guilt.  'She's supposed to love me. I know I need to try harder. Why is she giving me grief?'

Then I realised she was right.  

I haven't contacted one person from home regularly since we left. I forgot a good friends birthday, and I haven't replied to texts - even more than is my 'acceptable' normal (for instance, I do often reply to messages in my head, perfectly formulated replies, that never make it out into the universe... everyone that knows me knows this is an acceptable normal for me)

It sucks when you are wrong and the other person is right doesn't it?

All this spinning around my head, and I couldn't really say it all to her, all I could reply is "I love you".

So, as is now becoming my custom, I am mulling over everything while I am sweeping the floor today... hmmmm when is being 'me' ok?  When do I have to do better? Because I don't want to hurt the people I care about but I also find human interactions painful at times.

I am not sure why I am this way, an introverted extrovert, a extroverted introvert... I don't know what it's called.

I love people, and I love loving on people.  But I have to be really judicious about how I use my emotional energy. When it's gone, it's like... gone.  I can't even bring myself to force myself to be a nice, normal, happy human it seems.

Babe and I have felt that struggle lately. More cross words have been exchanged between us in the last 3 months than in the last 12 years.  We've had to have a come-to-Jesus-talk about that recently, it left me a bit dumb-founded to be honest.  I mean, 'me-and-him' is a constant positive in my life... what the heck is going on?

I'm sure my kids feel it.  I'm distracted and unfocused on one thing.  I keep catching myself not really listening to them, tuning them out.

K came over for a meal at the weekend, and as we talked, I could FEEL it in my body language.  The averted gaze, the slump in the shoulders, the body turned away from her.  So many parts of me not wanting to be fully present.

Right now, my reserves seem....low.

Funny thing is, I can totally operate as normal when I feel like this.  I've worked harder this week than ever.  Babe and I have had fun.  It's not all doom and gloom. It's just an awareness that I'm not at my peak, as little things slide, and slowly, if ignored, turn into bigger issues.

And all that being said, does that make it ok to behave as I want, knowing it's hurtful to my friends?  It doesn't really, does it... I know when T called me out it was after biting her tongue a fair few times (she's received too many messages that never made it from my head to her inbox).

So, I've got to try... try and do a little.  Try and just do one little thing, maybe just one thing every day to check in with one particular person.

Perhaps be a little more intentional about it?

I have to hold my hands up and say, I am really sucking at this right now aren't I?  (you can buy a lot of good will by admitting to failing, it's lucky I am good at this)

What's that quote "Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little"?

So this lady is going to go do a little.

If little is all you've got, it's a pretty good place to start isn't it? :)

PS. It's a little twisted I put Woody in the foetal position, I know...