Where's Jake?

We have all been sad since Jake died on Tuesday. Today's the first day where I have listened to music and started to feel normal again. Roddy said, we all feel emotionally drained...and that's ok. Thanks to everyone who sent a nice note or comment it means a lot <3

I wanted to tell you what happened on Tuesday night, because it was so special and awesome - I didn't want to keep it to myself.

By the time we go back from the vets, it was about 6pm and I had been crying a ton. The kids didn't really get it, Louis (4) is kind of like Mummy, now we can get a puppy! And Leon (8), well Leon says 'We can get another Jake' and I say: baby we might get another dog, we'll never have another Jake... it would be like if I died you might have another Mummy, but you'd never have another Mummy like me..' to which he says 'Yes I would, Daddy would marry someone really smart... and they'd be my new Mummy!!!' (seriously, you can't make this stuff up)

Anyhoo, I digress... so I am all stuffy nosed and blotchy faced and I bring Eliza up for her bath. This BIG stuff is hard with a special needs child, you worry they don't get it... but you can't not comment on it and she notices what's going on even if she doesn't understand the gravity of it.... So Eliza says 'where's Jake?'

And I say, 'Jake's gone baby' and I know that's not enough... I have to explain the permanence of it somehow to her.... so I say 'Jake is dead Eliza. Jake isn't coming home.' and she looks puzzled so I sign to her and say at the same time 'Jake is finished' and I do the sign for finished.

Eliza looks at me, and does this thing where she puts her hands either side of my face and pats me... she looks me right in the eye while she's patting my face and says in her funny little voice 'It's OK Mummy... Jake is happy now'

Like I said, you can't make this stuff up. Told you she was special #goosebumps