Today Is Just Where I am

You know when you feel like you have about a billion things, a billion thoughts zooming around your head?

I didn't really want to write today, and I purposefully didn't commit to writing on a schedule because I didn't want to feel like I 'should'.  However, I am beginning to see that this is a bit of an OUT on my part, that's a whole other story.

I truly feel, today, that it's all just pointless.  What is the POINT of it?  Writing... moaning about my life... sharing my mess ups?

What's the purpose of it?

Is it to serve my ego, to make people like me more?

Is it because on some level that I don't really understand, I don't feel heard?  And I need validation?

Haven't I got enough to do?

Isn't there a million things other things I should be doing?  

Why am I sitting at 9:30pm at night, tired, hormonal, overwhelmed... writing about it?

And while we are on the subject, "who the heck are YOU anyway?  What value can you bring to anyone?  You're just a mom, with a messy house and a messy head, barely able to come up for air most days and YOU have something worthy of some one else's time and attention?  Please! Get over yourself!"

(Don't you just love your inner dialogue some days?  Such a joy to listen to...)

Today, I wore a back to front t-shirt until noon.  It wasn't a fashion statement, it was a top with buttons by the collar facing in, and words on the front the wrong way around, and a huge label sticking out of the side.  I looked and felt a mess.

I caught up with email and shamefully replied to very old ones, that I hadn't seen, feeling like I would never catch up.

I toured a possible school for Eliza, knowing full well I haven't even scratched the surface of trying to find her a school, with many promises of 'doing it tomorrow'. I listened as they talked about best practices to follow when dealing with autistic individuals - whilst ticking off a long list of things I am doing wrong.

I made dinner, and burnt every single sausage while I was creating a graphic for babe's call that night.  It was bordering on comical, as I carefully trimmed off the huge areas of hard, scorched meat.

I had a bath, whilst doing more email because I literally could not be bothered to stand up in a shower. I'm sitting now with a glass of wine, listening to babe talking about delusions on a JMT certification call.  I don't even particularly feel sad, or stressed, just overwhelmed with feelings: of judgement, of unworthiness, and what I know is a temporary hopelessness.

There is really no point to this one, just to say: if you are having a bad day - me too.

If you feel like a failure, so do the best of us :) 

If you haven't pulled a brush through your hair today, join the club.

If you snapped too many times at your kids and your husband today, if you're lucky you have tomorrow to make it up to them.

Sure, there's so many worse off than you, but when you feel llke this don't you just want to poke 'perspective' in the eye and carry on eating ice-cream right from the tub?

Life isn't always pretty.  Sometimes the lesson I am learning, I have already heard a million times - I just don't want to listen to it today.  Sometimes the lesson I am learning, I am not ready to fully embrace yet.

It's kind of like when your head KNOWS what you are thinking isn't true, and you're just full of "stuff", but your heart just feels like it's had enough for today.

Way back when - what I refer to as the dark, pre-babe era :) ,these sorts of thoughts defined me.  I was an anxious, emotionally crippled, self conscious WRECK - inside of course, on the outside I was A-OK thank you very much.  I just could not see these thoughts for what they were, blips... temporary feelings that passed like water under a bridge. I made these thoughts my friends: I nurtured them, and grew them and watched the fruits of my labor as they slowly chipped away at ME.

Now, I just kinda shrug... I think, and I believe, tomorrow WILL be better.  It's all just part of the journey. There's no huge awarenesses or realizations, or even attachment to the feelings.  They just 'are'.

It's all good.  Tomorrow is a new day. I don't think today is a reflection of who I am.  Today is just where I am.  Tomorrow I will be somewhere else.