The Ugly Truth Behind The Truth

I have been thinking on this all day, literally the whole day... pondering over the amazing responses I got from my amazing friends on a question I posted to Facebook.  You can read it below... but basically it was 'why so smug when good things happen to us? 'aka #blessed... I found so much value in the comments, I hope you do too.

The conversation (because it may not be so for everyone, but my experience of social media is actually social... not unsocial LOL) that ensued was FASCINATING... it morphed into a bit of a discussion about why does God 'allow' bad things to happen to good people.  Everything people wrote, I read and thought about... even if it didn't immediately resonate with me... I always think that's maybe a reason to read over it twice!!

Some comments just grabbed me - Doris who used my daughter Eliza as an example of what others might see as a trial really spoke to me.  Ken (a pastor) shared about losing his father and praying for every kind of miracle and not finding the miracle he wanted.

To me, this is what it's all about.  No agenda. No desire to push your views, just heart to heart sharing.  It's what I thrive on.

So.... why the 'ugly truth' subject line?  Why the negativity?

Well, it started with reading Jill's comment... she said "Whenever I am challenged like this Susan Galbraith I picture God and I sitting down and having a "Come to Jesus" meeting (pun intended). God looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Your perception of Me is a Reflection of You." I simply take a breath and thank God for the lesson (again) because yep, I'm a hard nut to crack sometimes....well, most of the time. How is God using those super great (and hard) questions that come from your logical brain to push you into a greater understanding of YOU? It's deep, I know. And, it's hard work because ultimately it's heart work. When we do the hard work of heart work, we begin to discover a deeper understanding of ourselves = a greater understanding of God. Big LOVE to you sister!"

So this spoke to me, immediately.  

It took a while to drop... Tom posted about not asking 'why' but 'what'... what do you want to reveal to me about you (God) at this time?

THEN, this morning Renetta posted "This is a great discussion about how we need to explain our words better or use different descriptions. I believe God does listen to everyone, but I also believe sometimes life is just hard, that doesn't mean He isn't blessing, we learn through those hard times. As someone who now has to stay with friends, can't go home because the bottom 4 feet of sheetrock and cabinets are gone, lost all our belongings in the first 4 feet of our home and cannot drink our water from our well because it is still contaminated....I still feel blessed. I feel blessed because we had so many surround us and help us demo and clean up Harvey's mess, blessed because our family were all safe through the storm and flood, blessed because I have grown from previous hard times to help me be stronger through this one. I feel grateful for those who didn't get water in their home and I ache for those who lost so much more than I did. Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes He calms His child through the storm. At this time, I am the latter. Thanks for bringing up this topic, I am going to be more careful with my words."

Suddenly it was as clear as day for me.  (Thank you Renetta) I read, and re-read "I am going to be more careful with my words".  I thought, why?  why should you?  (you loving, giving, woman of God?)

I heard the words, sitting with my legs bunched up in the car, with all the kid stuff around me, as clear as day, "I (I stressed very hard) know their hearts, you just focus on YOUR heart"

And this is the ugly truth, my ugly truth behind the truth.  When I posted this I genuinely posted in "courageous hesitancy" as one person said, not sure if I am asking the right way but putting it out there in the universe.  I believe my intentions were good... I DO want to know what others think - because collaboration is a significant way I learn.

BUT, when I posted that question... the question behind the question (as Paul M would say) was am I doing this better than others?  Am I (stressed very hard) praying the right way, and others praying the wrong way?  

That judgemental voice, that nasty imperfect, needy voice was saying - they are doing it wrong and I want to do it right.

And it wasn't until 100+ comments later that I saw it, as clear as anything.  

Look at your own heart Susan.

Don't worry about 'their' intentions or 'their' heart.  Worry about yours. Because right now, my love, you are sitting in judgement. 

It hit me so hard, I almost clambered in the back of the car to get my laptop, and started to write.  I have thought of little else since then.

I can't tell you what I felt, now, now that it's sunk in and I've absorbed it a bit.  I feel shame.  And I feel hopeful.  That's weird to put that in the same paragraph... but I do.  I feel like I am seeing things, asking things, that I don't even know why I am seeing or asking them and things are being revealed to me that are seemingly unrelated.

(I found the image for this post accidentally, but I love it... being molded into the 'heart-being' I was was made to be)

It was a strong message to move away from judgement and into acceptance.  It was strong message to move away from the exterior and look the interior.  It was a strong message to do exactly what I wrote about, just 2 days ago (Lord forgive me) - 'you do you and I'll do me'.  That means 'doing me' when it is uncomfortable, and when it's downright ugly.