The Gray Twilight

I haven't written for a while, since Dec 11th in fact.

The truth is, I have had so much on my heart I haven't known what to do with it.  

There has been a realization over the past few months that I can't be whatever people 'expect' me to be.

It felt like the one place where (finally) I felt like I could express myself and share the frankly odd and random thoughts I have, wasn't so safe anymore.

Whispers of my words misinterpreted got back to me, and they really got to me.  I thought: I am not putting myself out there like that anymore. It's just not worth it. It serves no purpose.

There was one night a few weeks ago, where I wrote in my head until it ached. I didn't feel brave enough to put it down here.

I don't know, there's something about sharing at this level - where literally anyone can read it - it's sort of scary. I feel like I am not positive enough for some people, I am not Christian enough for some people, I am not successful enough for some people... I guess it can be summed up by: I. am. not. enough. 

But the past few weeks other whispers have come along, Roddy said - you have been talking about writing a book for the last 12 years.... Amelie (my daughter) said (about my health goals) 'Mum, there comes a time when you have to stop talking about doing it, and just do it!'

And I am ashamed.

I'm not the poster child for the wife of a personal development 'guru' or 'mentor' or whatever.

Some people seem disappointed I am not more polished or more successful.

The only reason I am writing is because I had to memorialize this moment, this date - April 1, 2018 (although technically it is now just after midnight on 4/2) - because I read something today, it shared a quote by Theodore Roosevelt:

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat"

It was just one of those moments for me, that I am living in a gray twilight.

It's been spinning around my mind since I read it, because I have never read anything that encapsulates exactly what I am thinking... I'm not a loser, but I'm not a winner either.  I'm not striving for victory or about to face defeat.  I'm not obese, but I'm not healthy or thriving either. I'm comfortable, soft around the edges. I'm... meh. 

And not in the, "now please cue concerned voices to assure me I'm a good kind and loving mate and mother and work colleague, etc" but in the sense that there is so much more. Even my 12 year old sees it for me.  Even my husband does.  I just don't see it for myself.  I honestly never had.  I've felt like that "stuff" is for someone else. 

That's why this writing is becoming so uncomfortable, when it's for me.  And when people say, you write well and you're so honest - I feel pride and then I feel like I should stop.

And that's why I will continue.

That's why I MUST continue.

Even it's been 110 days since I last wrote.

Because I see this writing is now a battle, against that gray twilight.  That gray twilight of nothingness, of meaningless, of 'meh'.  And I feel like I am resisting it, tiny moment by tiny moment... 

So today, I wrote.