Sweet 16th

When we got together, we both were married - not the best start to any relationship. I used to carry a lot of shame about that, because of the way I was brought up I really didn't even think it was possible for me to do something like that (let me tell you, that's a dangerous thing, to think you're exempt from some sins and temptations)

I was very insecure in our early relationship, I thought it was just a matter of time  before he tired of me and cheated on me too, and maybe in some way I deserved that.

I didn't even expect him to marry me honestly. And I kind of wanted to seem "cool" about it, even though I really wasn't.

It's funny looking back, the way God arranged things, and made something beautiful out of our mess. When we got married, we already had Amelie and Eliza (at this point, do you even know what a disappointment I was to my parents???). Eliza had been diagnosed, and my family at that point had completely cut me off (I had been disfellowshipped from my church). We got engaged after Amelie was born and the plan was for me to get back into shape and have a super fancy wedding (perhaps a bit of an 'up yours' to everyone in some ways)... but when we had Eliza everything changed... we faced this huge "thing" together and it brought us closer than we'd ever been, suddenly it didn't seem to matter if none of my family would be at the wedding... it didn't matter if it wasn't a fancy affair... none of the stuff we thought mattered really did... so we just decided to get married (a week before I think) we didn't tell anyone and didn't invite anyone... and it was just lovely. Perfect.

I love being married to Roddy. But I love more the higgledy-piggledy way we got together. It was very humbling as someone who'd built their identity on doing exactly what they were told. It made me much more empathetic and much less judgemental (and I was breathtakingly judgemental when I was a Jehovah's Witness!!!) and for me, to observe my own humanity and fallacy and still see it play out in a way I could not even imagine, makes me so grateful.

I did not deserve this life. This husband. These children. They are all gifts from God.