Run Susan, Run

I am sitting here in our kitchen, in a real mood... we go back to England tomorrow, our last trip back home until we permanently move on July 9th... and I don't want to go!!!

I love the quote from When Harry Met Sally, where Harry says 'when you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!' in this case, I want our move to happen now. I feel like having a full on tantrum about it. My whole body is coursing with petulant, angry emotions.

It's funny when you get into the habit of watching the way you think, the silly way you think... I don't want to go back to England not because I love it here, and we have our rented house with our stuff in it and I want to get settled, and we bought the house next door that will become our first US home and I want to get going on that project, even though all of that is true.... it's because I am scared of the time when we go for good... I've realised I don't really want to face up to that. I want to RUN.

I have a habit of running when difficult feelings come up for me... I did it in my first marriage, and consequent divorce... I did it after Eliza got diagnosed, I did it when Roddy and I got married in secret, I do it when Roddy and I have conflict even now, when friends hurt me... I want to run, and hide.... I want to put the difficult feelings off for another time...

But life is an annoyingly wonderful, persistent, teacher. And some things, no matter how hard, have to be faced up to.

So... we go home tomorrow.

To finish getting our affairs in order... to shut up shop... to say goodbye.

It's going to be hard.

And I know, despite that, it's going to be magical.