Resilient? Me?

Last night I was folding laundry and putting it away (aka the Marie Kondo method, which for anyone that is familiar with Ms Kondo knows folding laundry takes on a whole new level... I'm a little obsessed) when babe said "hey, did you see that email from Paul?"

"Uhhh no"

"It's about you"

So I think it's a "Paul email", and if you work with Paul you know he's sends these really long brain storming emails with a bazillion directives, so I think to myself I'll come back to it later, I'll save it for when the kids are in bed, and I continue to fold underwear into tiny perfect little packages.

After the kids get to bed I open my laptop to see the email isn't to me, it's to the world (well, the world that's subscribed to his email list) and it's about... me (I want to change the font to make 'me' tiny but it won't let me.... but imagine I'm squeaking out that part)

You can read the whole thing here, but in summary it was about all the chaos of my life and how I keep going. He said I was resilient. Guys, he said I was super woman!

My first thought was complete embarrassment. And then I felt pretty delighted. And then, as is my custom, instead of opting for "thanks for noticing" I chose to question it.  

Me, resilient?

Yeah, no.

I've always thought of myself as a trooper, mainly because I'm such a people pleaser... I don't want to be a bother. And in my not-so-good times I can play the victim (which, now I know I do that, I just hate it even more) And I do really want people to think I'm brave even though I'm practically peeing my pants at every twist and turn life throws at me. I've never thought of myself as resilient. Ever.

In all my reading and research (mainly to try and figure out how I got to be the way I am, and how to bring up loving, well-adjusted, life-giving humans) I'd read how resilience was a key factor in predicting happiness and success in life. And it filled me with terror, because I thought I'm not made like that....AND I am going to mess my kids up too!

I thought the resilience boat had completely sailed by me. 

The meaning of resilient is pretty simple. A quick google search says "able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions."

And it became apparent to me today (yes today... I'm smart but obviously not that smart) that I AM resilient, in so many ways.

Abandon your religion and community to be true to yourself? OK then..

Live estranged from your parents for your life choices? Alright.

Birth without drugs? (four times guys!) Bring it on!

Throw a special needs kid in the mix? Sure, why not?

Move to another country with all those kids? Sign me up!

Major surgery for your autistic child? OK...

(And I won't mention the other stuff - the eating disorder, the Dad with a horrible temper, the bullying at school, the failed first marriage, the postpartum depression, the haemorrhage after baby 3....)

I am so resilient, I'm like a freaking hurdle jumper!!!!

And if you know me, you know I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. 

And I'm not saying that any of those things, and all the micro-problems that came with them were easy.

Quite the opposite.

But I know what I'm made of. And it IS actually pretty strong.

And reading a simple email written by a colleague, I know I AM RESILIENT. 

Just because I keep going. Not because I'm special - because I'm not.

I dearly hope you have someone in your life that calls you out in the best possible way. Someone that shows you who you really are when you try and convince yourself you are something you're not.

And if you don't, my hope and my prayer is that you hear this:

YOU ARE WONDERFUL, UNIQUE, YOU! NO ONE CAN BE WHO YOU ARE, AND NO ONE CAN DO WHAT YOU DO. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE MEANT TO BE. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. YOU ARE ENOUGH. REALLY, YOU ARE.

(Yes, I shouted all that bit...) btw... I think you are pretty awesome. 

We are all riding this crazy ride called life, and we are just doing our best, aren't we?