Peace In The Midst Of The Pieces

Roddy and I took Eliza for an important appointment today.

We've always felt she displays autistic traits, and due to her brain malformation and unique chromosome pattern we've always accepted her little 'Eliza-isms' and worked around and with them - we've never pushed for a 'official' diagnosis because we never felt we needed it - she's in a perfect school setting here in England and has thrived since she joined the school aged 3.

But with the move to the US, we've been finding the kind of schools for her that appeal to us, really need the proper diagnosis - so it was a bit of rush to find someone to assess her that will be recognised in the US and make sure we got the report in time.

So after hurriedly organising it all while we were away, off we headed to the University of Reading today.

Eliza was in one room with Liz, who would do her assessment and then Roddy and I were in the room next door with Fiona. Here we went through her full history and spoke about her issues, and struggles and all her 'Eliza-isms' in their technicolour glory, for about 3 hours.

I am not certain of this, that 'only' parents of a special needs child can relate to this... but it's hard to relay how difficult it is, in countless appointments, to go over and over again everything your child struggles with, how bad her behaviour can get, how we all struggle. You feel so... I don't know... disloyal and... negative. I almost always think 'how on earth do we cope with this?!!' because saying it out loud, it sounds so much worse. I cry in almost every one at some point, or at many points. Its emotionally exhausting.

As we were wrapping up, Fiona says 'you know, it's a bit off topic but I just have to say: you guys are so relaxed... you seem very at peace with it all'. Roddy says something like, 'we are... she's just such a joy, even when she's being challenging'... and she interrupts and says 'you can see that, it's so obvious...'

I said to Fiona 'Roddy has always been really good about her diagnosis, and accepting of it from pretty much the beginning, but I took a while longer to get to that point... but now, she is just...' I tailed off because I didn't know how to do her justice. (she is just epic... totally, off the charts awesome - not just because she's ours but because she is a bonafide inspiration - a feisty determined little fighter 😁)

And I just had a moment, sitting there, thinking... 'we ARE at peace with it all' and what a thing to celebrate... I didn't CRY, not once in the 3 hours... Sure, I felt emotional, but in control and I felt so so overwhelmingly proud of Eliza (I could hear her next door doing the play based exercises, giggling, having a great time - and believe me, if she had been having a bad day, we couldn't have even left her in the room!)

We broke for a while, as they discussed their findings. We came back into the room and shared with us, yes, she is definitely autistic... no surprise there - no tears either.

Liz said 'she heard you talking next door and said 'I can hear mummy'' ...and I like to think maybe when I heard her giggling and it made my heart soar perhaps that's when she 'heard' me? 😍

Love every bit about our girl.