How's My Heart-View?

(I wasn't sure how to share this story, because most of it isn't mine, and it's so new I haven't really had time to process it.  But it was so important, I am going to try and share it in a way that won't break any confidences)

I wrote (on 9/10) about 'you do you, and I'll do me' and afterwards had this very resolved feeling that there were people in my life, that weren't serving me anymore, and I was going to ditch.  People that for one reason or another, I got a 'bad' vibe from (you know when you think you have offended someone because they are so off with you?)

The problem with being me, needy weedy little human I am, when I feel like someone doesn't like me: I go totally OTT.  I want to, no, I HAVE to show them I still love them and that my heart is still open.  Or, sometimes things happen completely out of my control that affect relationships - and I want to make sure that person knows I still value them and love them - regardless of circumstances. And when I do that, I demand a response (not verbally, but internally very strongly) and when I don't get it, I get more and more emotional about it.

The darndest thing about relationships and friendships and... people is sometimes we are HERE emotionally and they are THERE emotionally.  We try and force them to be HERE with us, but they just aren't ready, and forcing it - in that needy way - often makes it worse.

SO... I finished writing the blog, and I just thought you know: I am HERE and they are THERE and it hurts me that they are THERE because they don't respond to me anymore and they are cold and distant and because of that... I am going to cut them off, tomorrow.

You see someone had recently just wiped me from their social media, completely and totally.  I had no warnings, and I was HEARTBROKEN.  I kid you not.  I cried like a baby when I realised... I felt so wounded, I felt that we were true, bonfide, no BS friends. Ghosting friends is a real thing, and it is so hurtful.  I was beyond upset and then... I was mad - "I am such AN IDIOT to love people the way I do, my heart is always getting me in trouble" I wailed to babe.  His response is almost always along the lines of 'leave it be' / 'don't worry about it' / 'just allow them to respond the way they want' - for me... this response can be maddening.  It either feels cold, or that you don't care. So I normally take a breath and continue to angst about the situation.

So, I went to sleep... frankly feeling rather pleased with myself that I had made this decision, to protect myself, and going against my natural inclination to just let people stamp over my heart.

In the morning I awoke ready to dispose of the people that were being hurtful towards me and still fully resolved.  And then, sitting in a vacation rental in Alabama, a text came through with news, bad news.

The thing is the news was about this person that had cut me off.

The person I was heart broken to be cut off from.

And, it turned out I had it all wrong. So horribly wrong, whenever it came into my awareness as the day went on, I would feel sick to my stomach.

I just said to a friend, B, "I am getting message after message, nudge after nudge, to stop rushing to judgement" - everything that happened started to make sense, and I jigsawed all the pieces together and the picture that came back was so very different from the one I had decided to paint about this person.

So, I made a new resolution on 9/11 to just 'allow' - that 'me being me and you being you' doesn't mean I have to actually make drastic changes based on my feelings, that it's ok to just let it take it's course (as babe probably shakes his head 'I said that all along!) 

Today, I saw a post by the person who was on my list to 'dispose' of.  I can't pretend that the same old feelings didn't come up - if only I could imagine them away... that would be lovely. I did feel hurt, and I did feel once again, why?  why have they cut me off?

But it did remind me of my new resolve, just to 'allow' it, to keep my heart open, because I really have no idea what is going on for them.  It may not be about 'me' at all.

Now, of course, it may be about me... and that should be ok too.  Perhaps I misstepped and made mistakes, perhaps they aren't ready to open back up to me.  Perhaps they never will.

All I know, is that I have learnt a very important lesson - that I am not the centre of the universe. That I am working off my very limited perspective.  That I am demanding a response that I approve of based on what I think has happened.  

That's not living in reality, that's living in MY reality.

And the problem with that?  You miss so much, you make quick decisions based on judgements, when really: YOU HAVE NO CLUE.

I thought my world-view was fairly broad, maybe it's my heart-view I should be more concerned about.