Giving Away My Life, One Excuse At A Time

Back home, safe and sound.

It seems incredible to me that we humans can be so clunky, and awkward.

That after years... decades... of practice we can still deal with simple interactions in entirely the wrong way.

Last night as Roddy and I went to bed at 1am, tired but still awake as we always are when we come back from the States, we started to discuss work. I had dropped the ball on something, and as we had a day of travel I hadn't yet resolved it.

As Roddy asked me if he needed to do anything to help, immediately my defences went up, and using being tired as an excuse, flew into a rage... well, not a rage...I tend not to fly off the handle outwardly, but inwardly I am a seething mass of irritation and prickliness. The shackles rose and I bit, and bit again - just because I could.

One thing about Roddy I love and hate is that he doesn't entertain my tantrums (my first husband did, at his peril I realise now) and knows when to walk away.

As I sat in the bedroom, I started to try and resolve the work issue he'd raised because he 'made' me feel like I had to. I did it with no joy or willingness, rather as a way of proving how unreasonable he was.

I tagged a spiteful note to the end of my email as I sent it angrily.

Then Louis woke up, and the kids just have a way of grounding you... So at 1am we sat together in the lounge, Louis had some milk and crackers, and Roddy had some porridge... wrapped in blankets as it was cold. My angry heart started to thaw a little.

There's a reason why we shouldn't let the sun set on our anger. Sure, before we slept we hugged and resolved to come back to it all tomorrow... but do you get that horrible feeling in your stomach when you know you didn't do great yesterday? I can't begin to tell you how I felt when I awoke this morning... I jumped out of bed to find Roddy but he was already working in the barn.

I cringed when I picked up my phone and read my email from the early hours of this morning.

When I saw babe this morning I apologised... and he said 'oh it's all just part of the wonderful Roddy/Susan adventure!' or something like that... as he hugged me.

I know I'm not the only one that uses a range of excuses to behave badly :) but it just made me think: how often have I behaved in a way that isn't in line with 'who I am' or 'what I value' and said it's because I am tired, or hormonal, or too busy or whatever?

How much of our lives do we give away to excuses? To justify acting in a way that ultimately serves no one? At what point do you change? (because being enslaved by those kind of emotions is just another choice I make - let's face it, we are in many ways the most unkind, and impatient with those we love because we feel we can get away with taking advantage of their good nature, that we are allowed to 'be ourselves' with them when we wouldn't DREAM of acting that way with a friend or colleague)

I am honestly not beating myself up over here, I know I am loved as I am - flawed and imperfect like everyone else.... but it's worth reflecting on.

Grace is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

But I don't want to rely on grace, to use grace as a crutch ("I'm always forgiven, so yay! I can be horrible now"!) I don't want to stop striving to be better, I don't want to stop noticing when I could do better.

Because I could have done better this time.