Always both
Mar 22, 2024Eliza has been so dreadful this week - mad crazy tantrums. Drinks thrown at the laptop. Drinks thrown at the wall. Constant complaining, nothing good enough… it’s exhausting. For some periods, it takes over the entire energy of our house. We get collectively DONE as a family, Eliza included.
I suppose I’m firmly of the belief that you can absolutely adore your child, and also know that she seems a bit off (she looks peaky this week, she might be in pain, she’s not normally this bad) and at the same time be completely OVER IT.
We took Eliza to the beach yesterday (she loves it, but also grumbles most of the time and yells quite a lot and it’s not that fun for the rest of us) and Roddy wanted to take our picture. I (long day at home with her in particularly bad form) refused the photo, and Roddy made a passing remark about me being grumpy. I stomped off (grumpily) and after counting to 100, said “you know I’m not grumpy, I’m weary” I didn’t feel unhappy at all, just weary. Raising Eliza is absolutely 100% soul-destroying sometimes. I think it’s so important to be honest about that. Sometimes it’s absolutely 100% the biggest joy in my life. I think a lot of people think it couldn’t possibly be, but our family would not be the same without her. She is so special and funny and wonderful.
For me, the juxtaposition of this life seems so jarring to me. I want it to be easy. I want it to be more simple. But the fact is, it’s not. None of life is really, is it?
She’s content this morning, because I’ve learned from yesterday where she severely objected to me doing some work and wanted me to sit with her and that led to a meltdown of epic proportions, 2 hours of hysterics. So today I sit with her, trying not to think about all the laundry, or the errands I need to run, or the fact Louis has spent most of his spring break playing video games. It is what it is. I try every day not to feel guilty about all the balls I’m dropping, and accept that this is hard, and it too will pass - not entirely - but long enough for us to take a breath and continue on.
Joylessly and joyfully… Frustrated and fascinated… Exhausted and exhilarated… both exist side by side. Always both.
🤍
Want these in your inbox?
Join my mailing list if you like. Nothing much happens there, but I'll send you stuff as I write it. [I'm trying to minimize social media, so this is the best way to stay connected.]
Of course, your information will not be shared with any Tom, Dick, or Harry.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
